Boy, did I miss you guys. What I didn't miss was the news. Nothing calms your senses like a total news blackout. It beats an alcoholic blackout. Right, JB? 

In fact, I realize when you don't look at the news, it's like one of those eye exams, it only matters if you're told to look at it. And when there's no news, you find the best replacement is hysteria from those miserable wretches. 

GREG GUTFELD: YOUR PRIORITIES DON'T MATTER TO THE GOVERNMENT OR MEDIA

Take Democratic Colorado Secretary of State Jenna Griswold, who told The Guardian that if Republicans win, the country could lose the right to vote in less than three months. Yes. That's not insane. So did she tell The Guardian the newspaper or her own personal legal guardian who keeps her from eating her own hair? Because that's the news. When there isn't any, you reach for the unhinged stars. 

MSNB HOST: Our democracy has been put in peril. And there are not just – there's several crimes here that could have been committed, including obstruction. 

MSNBC HOST: If any member of the intelligence agency had taken this many documents out, they would be in jail. 

MSNBC GUEST: My top-level expert legal analysis of the affidavit is why ain't this dude in jail? President sticky fingers already stole classified documents. Top secret documents.

See, I love him mainly because he looks like my dad's shaving brush. That's a compliment. But on crazy cable, to maintain eyeballs, you got to get even crazier. Eli Mystal, seen there impersonating a dandelion, has cracked the code of cable television – say the most absurd thing and it never has to come true because no one is keeping score. 

It's not news. It's simply stuffing coins into the Twitter slot machine hoping for a payoff. Except no matter how dumb your ideas are, you never have to pay for it because it's like taking out a student loan, because just like the family photos on my desk, it's not real. 

And you notice that when something real comes along like this. The widely respected statistician, Nate Silver, claims liberal public health elites pressurized Pfizer to delay fast track approval of its COVID-19 vaccine well until after the 2020 election, thus denying Trump a win before voters headed to the polls. Calling them public health elites is like calling a tapeworm a weight loss consultant. 

Now, whatever you think about the vaccines, okay, we're talking about people who believe that the vaccines work yet still wanted them from the public. So who's worse than Hitler? Come again? That means they were ready to sacrifice lives to keep Trump from looking good. Yet they wanted to call him a killer. As if that's not the pot calling the kettle Justin Trudeau. 

Look, Silver is no Trump fan, but he points out that Trump's action likely saved hundreds of thousands of lives and a delay would have killed tons. Yet those people's names would still have probably ended up on the Dems’ voting rolls. Because the dead people. 

Yeah. But again, if you believe Trump is Hitler, then what's a few thousand deaths to keep him from killing millions? Even though Trump kept us away from wars, the way Joe keeps us away from complete sentences. 

Maybe it's unproven, but you're talking about the same people who suppressed the laptop story in order to win an election. So why wouldn't they do that here? Meanwhile, they keep squeezing the remaining drops of juice from the Mar-a-Lago raid like it's a Florida orange.

Those are the most unimpressive documents since the first draft of Kilmeade’s new book. Yeah. What happened to those nuclear codes, anyway? Maybe they're under the bed where the pee tape got filmed. Right. By the way, that's the most action Jimmy Fallon saw in years. That was a needless crack, but videos of a cracked-out hunter and his hookers playing hide the hard drive -- no story there, at least until months or years after the election. Then you get the confession from a battery powered popsicle named Mark Zuckerberg about something we knew all along. 

So you see my point amplify fake stories and bury real ones like they’re former Clinton associates. They actually killed them. Or rather amplify stories that are easy to speculate on, like documents or Russian disinformation or Kat’s marriage and avoid ones with real ugly facts. 

But I know that when I'm on vacation, what passes for news has no effect on me unless I'm in Mexico and the news is about a cartel member leaving a human head next to the waffle maker at the hotel's continental breakfast, I really don't care. 

I also know that when journalists go on vacation, so does the news. It's like they both own a timeshare together in Boca. So in the absence of facts, we went from nuclear codes to documents to indictments. 

Indictments. The media loves this word, assuming you don't know what it means. But you guys watching me right now do. And that's why the media hates you so much. 

Someone once said you could indict a ham sandwich, and I bet it probably wasn't Brian Stelter. He'd keep on tampering with a defendant. So fake news rules and real news is redefined as hateful speech. 

Is there a crime wave? Yes, but don't talk about it – bring up a Soros funded D.A., well, you're anti-Semitic. If you point out that it's young black kids knocking out other black kids and older people. Well, that's racist, too. 

If a citizen on Twitter calls a Children's Hospital and catches them admitting wrongdoing against young patients, well, it's the citizen who's guilty. A person gets banned from Twitter for doing what people used to call journalism. 

So what's left is an array of bottomless what-ifs, which are perfect for hackneyed drama queens on cable, the stuff that's ignored or palpably real and affect you: inflation, crime, corruption, me being the new king of late night. 

Hold your applause. Oh, that was gratuitous. I need a shower after that. I actually do. I stink.

But real stuff in life? Journalists don't have time for that. It used to be the dog days of August when producers would do anything to plug a hole. Even asking amateurs to host for me.

Except, you know, fake news is year round. It's the profit model. So what to do with the media hacks? I say turn them off, pack their bags and send them on a one-way trip to somewhere they can't even tweet from. Tell the ladies of The View to pack extra moomoos because they won't be coming back soon. Maybe when they're on permanent vacation. The rest of us can finally get some peace.