So why do companies scold while thousands of jobs fold? By now, we know that the average American beer drinker does not look like this. After all, we prefer our beer nuts to be in a bowl.
After Anheuser-Busch hired Dylan Mulvaney to promote Bud Light, sales are now down almost 25%, and now the company is even talking about redesigning the labels. Here's the new label, and actually, here's my suggestion. I mean, let's be honest, she seems like a barrel of laughs — or at least two barrels.
And now another company seems to be messing with their core audience. Here you have 81-year-old Martha Stewart on the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, and I'm just going to say it, that's not bad for 81.
TYRUS: No, sir.
And she's actually a woman. You know, Martha has some wrinkles, but they're not on a scrotum. An underrated word, if you ask me. Meanwhile, transgender pop star Kim Petras is also on another S.I. cover and I know what you're thinking, who?
Exactly, name recognition or any recognition at all really doesn't matter as long as you tick a box, and this one ticks a box or rather a package. See, it's not for you, it's for them. The marketing team trying to score points with corporate do-gooders and activists. If you worry the product doesn't sell, then you're a transphobe or at least a trans fat.
So gone are the days of classic S.I., you know, stacks in the barbershop and each issue was coveted like a roll of Charmin in a chili factory, and that swimsuit issue every year it got passed around like a hypodermic needle in the subway. Everybody wanted it. But it's clear those customers of the past, your uncles, dads and granddads, they were just awful people.
They're gross, sexist pigs. Let's be honest, and it's time we made them pay for working hard and fighting wars and just being decent people because we're such better people now.
We think crickets are better than steak, and criminals are just victims of oppression. And of course, men make better women. These new marketing people are way better than everyone who came before because as Miller Lite points out those creeps — they put ladies in bikinis.
MILLER LITE: Women were among the very first to brew beer ever... Centuries later, how did the industry pay homage to the founding mothers of beer? They put us in bikinis. Wow... Look at ---- ----. Wild. It's time beer made it up to women. So today, Miller Lite is on a mission to clean up not just their ----, the whole beer industry's ----.
Wow. The company now says women in bikinis shouldn't be forced to mud-wrestle to sell beer. I know, I agree. So let's go with Alfredo sauce. But they weren't forced to do anything, they were paid and if you didn't like it, you don't have to do it. That's what I say to the interns on Back Shave Sunday.
The Miller Lite ad premiered just weeks before Mulvaney's Bud Light videos popped up, and they saw how that played out, so they tried to bury their own ad like it was a former Clinton associate. They acted just like druggies, flushed it down their stash because the cops were at the door. Except the cops were actually their customers.
So how did this happen? Well, all these nauseating lectures are now masquerading as ads, are the colleges churning out too many useless women's study grads, so they end up in companies demanding tampons in men's rooms and jockstraps in the women's? Hmm. They view buyers as insects: stupid, gross, easily manipulated, someone to be punished, not celebrated.
Like when that Gillette ad from a few years back offered a caricature of masculinity, suggesting bad behavior was the norm among men. They switched their slogan from "the best a man can get" to "use these to slash your wrists, you male oppressors."
So why does one company after another keep alienating their customer base? Corporate execs are easily manipulated by woke rats into doing things antithetical to success.
They embrace a short-term virtue signal over long-term reward. If they never actually talk to the people who buy their stuff, they can fool themselves into believing their friends and professional peers are the real world. They can tell themselves they're making a difference if only those stupid customers would repent.
By the way, did you notice Miller Lite didn't mention their most popular ads, which included famous jocks and sports personalities like Dick Butkus and John Madden? That's right, alpha males that appeal, I know — surprise — to men. Not a single scrawny, chinless Seth Meyers among them. And you know the ad agency who made that Miller's anti-sexy screed hire nothing but beautiful women for ads that target women.
There isn't a single homely broad selling shampoo or makeup, and that makes sense. It's like buying hair care products from a bald person. Bottom line: Scolding people for being people is a lousy way to sell products and now they're so surprised when it actually backfires. I'm sorry. You could imagine where this is all headed.
BOSS: Alright, gents, let's go over the marketing strategy for our new female products. Nobody knows how to sell to a woman like a man. Now, Steve, what's the update on those sports bras?
STEVE: I'm just not sure this is going to look good on me at the gym.
BOSS: Mhmm, great point. Johnson, what's the latest on the nail polish?
JOHNSON: Well, this color is very summery, and I'm more of a winter palette.
BOSS: Hmm, excellent point. Any more updates on the female products?
EMILY COMPAGNO: Sir, I was thinking.
BOSS: Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Thank you. Thank you. Anyone else? Yeah.
EMPLOYEE: This maternity wear definitely isn't agreeing with my curves like I thought it would. I don't know. What do you think?
BOSS: I think that's all for today.
